This is hard for me to write, because I feel like I am complaining about my child in some way. I feel like by pointing out how he is different, I am implying that different is wrong. That isn't my intention. Everything about Luke is right. His green eyes, the way his hair smells, the dimples in the top of his
hands, his crooked smile...it's all right. Luke's personality is just that. HIS personality. It is no more wrong than any part of my personality is wrong. It's just different, and it happens to be different from the majority. What am I talking about? Luke is a "high needs" baby. Not to be confused with "special needs" which seems to be the politically correct way to describe children with disabilities these days. Luke doesn't have disabilities. He has intense needs.
I am not one for labels. I didn't use to be, anyways. I don't like the concept of having to fit into a box. I dislike standards and rules and "shoulds". But about 2 months after Luke was born, I found myself searching for information..something that I could apply to Luke. Some way that I could label him. I sought the comfortability of being able to identify with others. I wanted to find out if there were other babies like mine. Because Luke isn't like any of my friends babies.
I came across Dr. Sears' website which had a list of qualities associated with a "high needs" baby. I had never heard the term. But as I read through the list, I cried. I called my husband over. We read the list together with our mouths open. Luke had every single trait of the 12 listed. (You can see the list here). We weren't alone. There were other children out there like our baby. It was enlightening and so exciting. If you don't have a high needs child, you probably don't know what that means. So let me explain. Here are the qualities associated with a high-needs child. All babies have some of these traits some of the time. Some babies may even have some of these traits all of the time. My baby has all of these traits, all of the time.
1.) Intense - everything with Luke is dramatic and over the top. He laughs louder, he plays harder, he thinks more intently, he persists longer. He is intense!
2.) Hyperactive - Luke doesn't sit still. Ever. He never has. I have never sat on the couch with Luke to cuddle. Not once. The only time we have sat still together is when he is asleep. And he only falls asleep nursing in bed or if he's being walked around for what feels like hours.
3.) Draining - Parenting Luke feels like I am in a pool of water with a cinder block tied to my ankle. I can keep my head above water just enough to breathe, but there is a constant weight pulling me down. It doesn't feel wrong or bothersome, because this has been life with Luke since the day he was born. But it's impossible to relax or get ahead. I am so thankful to have my husband. Without him, my house would be a disaster and I would be eating crackers for dinner every day.
4.) Feeds frequently- This is easy to explain. I have breastfed Luke every 2-3 hours all day and night for 10 straight months. Let that sink in. All. Day. And. Night.
5.) Demanding - Luke knows what he wants. He always has. When he is tired, he lets us know. When he is hungry, I better be ready to nurse. When he wants to play, he is very enthusiastic and obvious about it. And when he's bored, he will cry until you do something else. He is a smart, smart baby. And as long as we meet his demands, we are all happy.
6.) Unsatisfied - Luke isn't happy with the same thing all the time. One day, he may want to be worn in a sling for hours at a time. The next day, he will refuse the sling because he wants to be carried in my arms. One day he will want to nurse sitting up, and the day after that he will refuse the breast unless he's lying down. There is no getting complacent with my little man.
7.) Awakens frequently- I'm not even sure what "frequently" even means anymore. Luke nurses every 2-3 hours all night long. I unplugged the alarm clock and stopped checking my phone a long time ago. I tell myself in the middle of the night that it has been 6 hours since the last time I woke. But I'm lying. Luke never really gets into a deep sleep. As an infant he would startle himself awake constantly. Now, the sound of me scratching my leg will wake him. He is the opposite of a heavy sleeper. He is in our bed for this exact reason. Can you imagine getting out of bed and walking to his crib 7 times a night? Um, no. All I have to do is roll over and nurse.
8.) Unpredictable- Luke has mood swings. When he is happy, he is a joy to be around. His smile can light up a room. I have had numerous people come up to me in stores and mention how he has the most endearing smile or how his laugh is infectious. It's true. On the contrary, when Luke is mad or upset, look out. He will scream at the top of his lungs. He will throw himself on the floor. He will cry until he almost passes out. And his mood changes instantaneously.
9.) Super sensitive - Mike and I joke that Luke has his daddy's temper and my emotions. I am not sure that's the best possible combination...haha. My husband and I balance eachother out. But Luke is both of us put together. If you so much as cross your eyes at Luke, he will burst into tears. If you raise your voice or speak to him in a stern tone, his lip will quiver until he breaks down sobbing. He gets his feelings hurt VERY easily.
10.) Can't be put down - Ah yes...my child loves to be held. Loves it with a passion. He prefers to be carried than to sit by himself. At all times. Riding in a stroller? Forget it. Sitting in a cart? Nope. Swings, bouncy seats and cribs, be damned. My baby wants to be held.When he was a baby, he refused to sleep by himself. I was told to swaddle him, to put him in warm pajamas, to leave him in just a diaper, to rub his back, to sing to him, to rock him....None.Of.That.Worked. The ONLY way he would sleep was on my chest. And so we became bedsharers. We love it now. But we weren't planning on it!
11.) Not a self soother - What does this even mean? That a baby can fall asleep on his own? Not Luke. That a baby can stop crying on his own if he becomes upset? Not Luke. That a baby can entertain himself in a swing, in a pack 'n play, in a saucer, or in a bouncy seat? Not Luke. He will sit for 15 seconds and then start screaming. He wants to be held. See number 10 above.
12.) Separation sensitive - Luke hates to be away from me. Or maybe just from my boobs. Actually, I think he might think that I AM a walking boob. I left Luke one time, when he was 6 weeks old, to go to my best friend's wedding. We were gone for 5 hours. The longest I have been away from him other than that is 2 hours. In 10 months. And that has to be a perfectly timed 2 hours. It has to be right when he wakes up, and he has to nurse before I go. Otherwise he will melt down and scream, cry, vomit and almost pass out until I return. It is SO not worth it for me to leave him.
My child is a "handful" by many people's standards. He isn't a "normal" baby. He refuses to ride in a carseat because it requires him to sit still. People tell me to just strap him in and turn up the radio. No thanks. Besides the fact that it is physically painful to listen to him cry, he will scream and thrash around until he vomits, and then he will keep crying, almost to the point of passing out. I don't need to go anywhere so bad that I will force my child to puke on himself. I carry him all day long. My back hurts. My arms hurt. I miss hanging out with my friends. Shit, I miss having adult interaction!
My marriage has been strained. Having my child attached to me all day and night isn't glamorous, sexy or inviting. Luke doesn't want to go to Mike very often, although sometimes he will. It breaks my heart to hand Luke to his daddy only to have him burst into tears and reach out for me. I hate to see him cry but I also hate to see the hurt in my husbands eyes. He knows this won't last forever...but it still sucks and I get that. We have had no time to ourselves since Luke was born. I remind myself that there will be a day when Luke is out on his own, and we find ourselves wishing he was at home, begging for our attention. So we don't complain.
Having a high needs baby wasn't what we planned. It is stressful and draining for sure. But Luke is Luke. He is sure of himself. He is confident in what he wants. He is passionate. He loves deeply. He is enthusiastic. He is the love of my life. I never knew that I could love something as much as I love him. And I wouldn't want him to be any other way. I am so glad I get to be Luke's mama. He teaches me about life and about myself every day. Having a high needs baby isn't bad, it's just different.
